The ultimate gaslight

Safe self regulation. The holy grail of trauma recovery. Safe self regulation is the ability to rise to any challenge, any threat from outside or inside the body and then return back to our “normal” socially engaged baseline.  In trauma relief circles we toss that word “safety” around a lot. In the media we hear it all the time in every area of life and especially in politically correct spaces ever since covid. Of course we want our communities to be safe, schools to be safe somehow ever since covid we’re now responsible for other people’s health and wellness (keeping us and them safe). Safety is a noble cause. But in the realm of the individual nervous system is it intellectually honest let alone realistic to expect that as our outcome? Our work IN today is how that word “safety” can undermine our purpose in supporting healthy resilience for ourselves and others. Are we doing more harm than good in the body and beyond?

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Transcript

Ep 177 The ultimate health gaslight

Safe self regulation. The holy grail of trauma recovery. Safe self regulation is the ability to rise to any challenge, any threat from outside or inside the body and then return back to our “normal” socially engaged baseline.  In trauma relief circles we toss that word “safety” around a lot. In the media we hear it all the time in every area of life and especially in politically correct spaces ever since covid. Of course we want our communities to be safe, schools to be safe somehow ever since covid we’re now responsible for other people’s health and wellness (keeping us and them safe). Safety is a noble cause. But in the realm of the individual nervous system is it intellectually honest let alone realistic to expect that as our outcome? Our work IN today is how that word “safety” can undermine our purpose in supporting healthy resilience for ourselves and others. Are we doing more harm than good in the body and beyond?

Stay with me today because I think this topic requires some intellectual honesty and has some implications far beyond the mat. 

As a trauma informed instructor I’ve spent hundreds of hours of training on communication because it’s a big part of how we co regulate with our students. We take extra special care to communicate in ways that encourage students to become a participant, a co creator of their experience learning to take back control of their own internal environment rather than some kind of patient at the mercy of the external environment. Self regulation is literally anything that you use to purposely change your internal state. Physically mentally or emotionally. That could be “listening to The eye of the tiger to pump you up for competition, or drinking an energy drink, it could be a guided meditation before bed or an ambien. Coffee is a form of self regulation.  One could say all of those things in moderation are considered safe. 

What is safety? What does it mean to feel safe in your own skin? Does it mean calm and pain free? Does it mean feeling nothing, reacting to nothing? Is it realistic to believe that we even can be calm and pain free ALL the time? Turns out no. Even the healthiest people feel anxious and in pain sometimes. Does that mean they’re sick?

When I was training with my friend and colleague Colleen  Jorgensen in Pain Care Aware language, she brought up the point that avoiding negative words like we do in yoga, words like “pain”, or using cuing like “to stay safe” actually creates the idea that A: pain or discomfort  is dangerous B: we should avoid pain at all costs C: the body is fragile.  All of those things can not only trigger a nervous system response but are the exact opposite of what we’re trying to do which is befriend our body.

This constant drive toward safety is a subtle lie and creates a false assumption that there is such a thing. But if you’re living in a state of uncertainty or hypervigilance and believe every thought that runs through your head and everything you hear on the news without question then of course you might sacrifice your freedom for security, for safety. There’s safety in someone else telling you what’s safe, what’s good for you, what’s healthy. And when you don’t know what it is you feel you can’t possibly know what's best for you.

Freedom of thought, word and deed is high risk.  When we are conditioned to avoid risk, discomfort and pain we are far easier to control. And I believe the wellness space has fallen into line maybe. What we do with individuals ripples out from personal health to public health and out into society and our cultural understanding and lays the groundwork for the evermore compassionate nanny state. You may think that’s a leap but I’m not so sure.

We have outsourced our own self awareness to the sick care system. A system that thrives on instilling fear and depends on the belief that literally anyone else knows better about what is and is not safe, effective and healthy for your body. It is the ultimate healthcare gaslight.

It asks us to deny our own experience, what we see with our own eyes, what we hear with our own ears, what we feel in our own body from the soles of our feet to the crown of our head. That denial of reality is what separates us, breaks trust with our body and causes many of the mental, physical and emotional health issues in our world today.

I teach people how to self regulate using yoga, breathing techniques, and trauma release exercise. They are all powerful tools. Are they 100% safe? No. Nothing is. The truth is that no one can keep you safe, healthy and well except for you. Not a physician, a police officer or a politician. Those professionals prevent nothing. They can help you after the fact but you are the only one who has the power to change your mental, physical and emotional health. In fact you can do more to improve your health by giving up pop and going for a walk everyday than any antidepressant ever will. With fewer side effects.  

(If you’re on antidepressants talk to your doctor before stopping)

You can’t leave your door unlocked and then complain when you get robbed, you can’t swim in shit and wonder why you’re sick. But that’s basically what we’re doing in this country. Rather than empowering each other to do the uncomfortable things like exercising, changing how we eat, and unplugging from the phones we want the “safe” easy pill that’s guaranteed to keep us sick, the quick dopamine hit from Facebook. We want someone else to fix it for us, to make us feel safe.  SIck but safe. SOmeone else to make us better.  Safer because we don’t have to take responsibility for our outcome. And we in the wellness space may be reinforcing that by creating the idea that there is such a thing as safety. 

Safety is an illusion. 

Instead of safe self regulation how about just self regulation. 

Instead of safe spaces where everyone thinks the same, how about places of civil discourse where we can learn how to share ideas without taking them personally, much easier to do if we all know how to self regulate.

Instead of staying safe, what if we embraced change in ourselves and others? Celebrated post traumatic growth instead of self limiting diagnosis.

Our ultimate job in my opinion is to empower our students. It’s not to entertain them, or stroke our own ego. They are the ones after all who have to do the work. They are the ones who make the change and they are ultimately the ones who will reap the rewards.  They are the ones who have to live in their body. 

Trauma informed is not trigger free. Self regulation isn’t always safe. What feels safe for one may not feel that way for another. So as we navigate choices as both instructors and students let’s remember that just like everything else in the human body the nervous system needs a push sometimes. We need to ask for something more in order to get something more. And that change, the magic, happens in that space between activation and rest. It’s in the delta. In order to get there we have to step out of safety. It’s a little risky. But the rewards are so worth it. Not safety in your own skin but comfort knowing you have the ability to feel how you want to feel no matter what’s going on around you.

Thanks for listening today! If you're looking for ways to handle the effects of stress, physically, mentally and emotionally head over to savagegracecoaching.com/theworkin you’ll find all the show notes for this and other episodes plus lots of free resources. And if you’re in a place where you are ready for more and you live in the Dayton Ohio area I’m taking private clients for trauma informed yoga and trauma release exercise in person and online. So you can book a discovery call and we can have a real life conversation. And of course I’d be ever so grateful if you would take a moment to like and subscribe to this podcast wherever you’re listening. 

Thanks again everyone and as always stop working out and start working IN.   

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